Emptiness, feel it.

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Photo by Patrick Selin on Unsplash

I hate the feeling of discomfort and loneliness.

I cried for a myriad of reasons. I used to cry in the shower, washroom, and during bedtime. I used to message you to numb my mind. We used to talk every night; you never let me fall asleep. I used to find happiness in your presence. I can feel the weight of those memories, these are so bulky that I can’t carry them into my new tomorrow.

I can't cry any more now because I know the world isn’t created to be lived through solitary moments in time and thinking about the past. The world is full of imaginable situations.

I am changed. I fought with myself every night, and I kept getting up, kept fighting off my demons. I want to win over them but what I feel is only empty. 

I used to believe her because she believes in me. I used to love your everything. 

I am changed. Right now, I don't love your everything. I am not loving how sore my throat is from screaming at you. I am not loving how tired my eyes are from looking at you. I am not loving how relaxed my heart is from calling with you. But still, I love you. I love seeing you smile. 

The emptiness which I am sensing is not just a void, it is something alive. 

I swindle myself with a fake smile that seems to fill my emptiness from outside.

Sometimes life is accounted for circumstances, sometimes life is accounted for compulsion. The hut of emptiness is full inside me. I hope you understand, the emptiness within me is filled only by you.